The married one, the one that there was 'something' with, the one that has told me he thinks about me all the time... He's going to be a dad.
The news shouldn't shock me. Married for 18 months and in his mid 30s - it was always going to happen at some point. But - when I saw the pic of the scan on Facebook... I felt like I'd been punched. I lost my breath, I went hot all over. The room blurred around me.
So many thoughts and emotions, none of which I can actually identify.
I couldn't bring myself to 'like' it or leave a congratulatory comment. I'll see him in 4 days. I'll have to say something to his face. I'll have to say 'great news- so pleased for you'. I'll be lying. This time 2 years ago I congratulated him on his engagement - and then we spent the night together. I'll be congratulating him again, 2 years later - and walking away.
I know he's not right for me. I don't want him. I only want TB. My ego wants the married one to want me though - and this news is in direct contradiction to that. I also want to have babies. Someone that there is a remote possibility this could have been a reality with, is getting what I want. Mind fuck. Total mind fuck.
I feel guilty for feeling weird about it too.
I'm on a lifelong mission to ditch the lard. Stones away from my heaviest, I'm closing in on my pre-pregnancy weight. Next up, my wedding weight! Onwards!
It is tricky. I know it seems weird to feel bad about someone you don't want but I do understand the thought processes.
ReplyDeleteYou'll be fine hon. Do something fun with lovely TB.
Lesley xx